Relationship Counselling

Relationship Counselling – what to expect

People consider coming to relationship counselling for all sorts of reasons. You may not know how to begin looking for support or what you need, but what you may know deep down is that your relationship needs some support. You may be facing a challenging issue together where you need space to explore it facilitated by someone else outside of your relationship. People come with a wide range of issues including sexual difficulties, mental health/trauma, blended family issues, religious, cultural, disabilities or gender and sexuality issues.

As a queer therapist I work with a range of couples, partnerships and intimate relationships including same-sex, heterosexual, bi-sexual, open (consensually non-monogamous), monogamous and polyamorous. I work with relationships where one partner is exploring their gender or gender transition, people in kink relationships and relationships involving partners with neurodiversity.

My areas of specialism are drug and alcohol issues, chronic illness, mental health/trauma and sexuality and gender issues. I also work with a range of other different issues that clients bring into the therapeutic space.

The process

You may have found my details through one of the counselling directories or my website. Usually, one partner drops me an email and we can agree to a free 15-30-minutes webcam (Zoom) consultation with all partners. This is your opportunity to meet with me, to see if we are a match and to raise any questions and to discuss practicalities around availability.

How I work

I work with whatever you would like to bring into the space and aim to create an environment that is accepting and non-judgemental, where you will hopefully feel comfortable enough to discuss ‘the good, the bad and the ugly’ so that you are able to communicate to each other. I provide a space where partners can listen to, hear, and understand each other. Partners may develop a deeper understanding and be able to communicate how they are feeling and together resolve difficult issues within their relationships. I actively work with the relationship in a fair and equal way so that all partners feel that I am on their side. I have no goal for a relationship other than to support a deeper understanding of each individual within the relationship.

How many sessions are needed?

Sessions are usually one hour or an hour and half or longer if requested. Frequency can be weekly or fortnightly. Sessions range usually from 6 to 12 depending on requirements although I can work more longer term if required.

What if only one partner can attend the session?

It is important for relationship counselling that each partner attends. We can rearrange sessions to ensure that both/all partners can attend together.

Is relationship counselling about staying together?

Relationship counselling may result in the strengthening and deepening of a relationship or it may support an ending. The direction of your counselling and your relationship is decided by you.

Next steps

Please contact me if you think your relationship can benefit from counselling.

Contact details: 07847 267882 or jules@juleshaleycounselling.com

Jules Haley Counselling

10 Self-care tips for a better night’s sleep

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“Sleep is the best meditation” The Dalai Lama

We know, and are often told, that sleep is so important for our wellbeing. Getting the right amount of sleep and rest can be restorative as it supports our nervous system and affects our mood. But for many of us it can be an ongoing, exhausting battle to achieve anywhere near the elusive eight hours that is the often-cited gold-standard recommendation. Everyone is different and some people not only survive but flourish with less sleep, while others are certainly not morning people and require more hours of Zzzs under the warm duvet.

Getting to sleep or staying asleep are common issues. The current uncertain times we are all living in due to the pandemic is affecting us all in many ways. Let’s face it, there are so many worries to keep us awake at the moment, which may sadly include the deaths of people we know and love, fears about catching the virus or those close to us – perhaps who are frontline workers catching it, concerns for friends and family staying safe, or implications on our finances and job security. Unresolved traumas may be being triggered, issues with  drug and alcohol use may be more difficult in lockdown, relationship tensions could be increasing, while loneliness is a daily state for some, and the inability to plan and plans being postponed or cancelled makes us realise the fragile state of the world at the moment.

Our relationship with sleep changes throughout our lives; it is important to take time to check-in with yourself to see where your tiredness levels are and listen to that. Some people may be getting even more sleep and rest than ever before and be in a position where pre-pandemic responsibilities feel less pressing. You may have noticed that you have times of the day when you are most energised and times when you are zonked. This is down to your circadian rhythm or sleep/wake cycle. It works best when you keep a regular sleep routine.

I have battled with sleep issues and waking at 3am was a common occurrence for me many years ago lasting for weeks. I became so exhausted that a trip to the GP became necessary where I was talked through the basics of ‘sleep hygiene’. The one piece of important advice which had a real impact on my sleep, was not to stay in bed over-thinking my life but to get up and ‘do something’. This prescribed ‘something’ was unclear, but it sounded more appealing than just lying there. I learnt by trial and error that it is better to do an activity that is tiring but not particularly enjoyable as this may become something that the brain will register as desirable and it can become an established habit. I now have bread-making skills thanks to my sleepless nights. The house would smell wonderfully of freshly baked bread, my arms worked out all the tensions in my head while kneading and I felt energised but exhausted.

If you are feeling tired and are struggling with your pattern of sleep at the moment try to go gently, this will all pass, and perhaps if you lying awake struggling, try getting up. I’m hoping that some of the small steps below will support you to take back some control and have a better night’s rest and sleep well.

  1. Playing on your mobile/laptop/iPad for hours before bed can affect your sleep. Charging it outside of your bedroom means that you can keep the bedroom just for sleep (or something else more exciting!).
  2. If you feel you are going to bed too late and feel tired in the morning it may be helpful to rethink your bedtime – go to bed earlier!
  3. Leave a gap of several hours between your last meal and when you go to bed. You don’t want your sleep to be disturbed by a heavy stomach trying to digest your dinner. But the opposite is also true – try not to go to bed feeling hungry.
  4. Cutting back on alcohol before bed may prevent you from waking up dehydrated or having withdrawal affects in the middle of the night. Night-time herbal sleep teas can help before bed such as chamomile or Valerian.
  5. Check the light in your bedroom. You may want to wear an eye mask or fit blackout blinds.
  6. You may also want to invest in earplugs if your house or street is noisy or your partner snores or talks in their sleep.
  7. Let some air into your room during the day so it can breathe and check the temperature (17-18 degrees is the ideal sleep temperature), make sure it’s not too cold or too hot.
  8. Try using room sleep sprays such as essential oils or lavender on your pillow.
  9. Journaling before bedtime can help you leave worries and busy thoughts behind.
  10. Try some meditation, there are many apps now with calming meditations to help you drift off to sleep.

You can drop me an email, if you would like to explore any issues about worry, anxiety and sleep. If sleep is becoming a significant issue in your life such as you are having nightmares, night terrors, sleepwalking, repetitive dreams or sleep paralysis it may be helpful to get some support and talk these through with a therapist.

jules@juleshaleycounselling.com

 

Image credit: @Paperwhale cards (JH photo stock)

Jules Haley Counselling

Loving Kindness

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The concept of kindness only really entered my world when I was in my mid 30’s. It was almost an alien concept something that had eluded me for years and was outside of my lived experience. I once mentioned to my therapist that what she had done for me was very kind, and her reaction really shook something inside me. She said, “that’s a word you don’t usually use, was that difficult?”. She was spot on, but it hurt. I was not consciously kind to myself and perhaps only occasionally kind to others. Being kind was something that I vaguely knew how to ‘do’ but certainly not how I was. I was just doing and surviving life and kindness just wasn’t on my radar. I set about changing my relationship with kindness. I started to see people in a different light and stopping and actually seeing them was revolutionary.

Slowly I started to look at being kind to myself and this was a huge challenge.  I started to see myself as a human with all my faults and all my potential for change and growth. I often hear clients beating themselves up for not doing something in a certain way, for missing something or not being super productive. I often feel a touch of sadness when they do not feel that they deserve the same compassion and kindness that they offer to others. For some of us where kindness was absent perhaps due to abusive families, relationships or hardship, the good news is that we can play catch up. The start of my journey with kindness, and one that I’d like to share with you, was being introduced to the Loving Kindness meditation (Mett) at a yoga class.

This is something that takes patience and practice, but it will reward you well as it slowly seeps into your heart, mind and soul and can become a superpower for emotional well-being and transformation. The meditation starts with the heart intention of loving kindness and practicing this can deepen our experience and understanding of life, love and joy.

There are many different versions and you can change the wording until it feels just right for you. It may change or even transform how you feel about people in your life.

Find a quiet and comfortable space.  You may want to close your eyes or lower your gaze.

  1. Start by bringing your attention to yourself and repeat these words three times either in silence or aloud if you are in an empty space

May I be safe and protected, may I be peaceful and happy, may I live at ease and with kindness

  1. Next try to think of someone you love and repeat the words

May you be safe and protected, may you be peaceful and happy, may you live at ease and with kindness

  1. Finally expand the practice to include people we hardly know or who may have caused us issues in our lives, pain or hurt

May all beings be safe and protected, may all beings be peaceful and happy, may all beings live at ease and with kindness

Further reading on meditation:

  • Full Catastrophe living, Jon Kabat-Zin
  • Wherever you go, there you are, Mindfulness Meditations for Everyday Life, Jon Kabat-Zinn
  • The Miracle of Mindfulness, Thich Nhat Hanh
  • Mindfulness for Compassionate Living, Mindful ways to less stress and more kindness, Dr Patrizia Collard
  • Self-care for the real world. Nadia Narain and Katia Narain Phillips

Jules Haley Counselling

Quick guide to online therapy for clients

Jules Haley online counselling

It seems that we are all having to be flexible, adaptable and creative due to this dreaded Coronavirus, and online therapy is one example. I’m thankful now that as a qualified online therapist I am comfortable in continuing to support my clients online, and yesterday I made the difficult decision to move all my practice online for now. It feels like the safest and most responsible option for me as someone with a chronic health condition. Since Johnson announced the move towards self-isolating and social distancing in London and across the UK, I have been busy reassuring clients and supporting other therapists with online working. I will be writing more blogs over the coming weeks to support clients, offering to continue to work online, and also letting people  know that it is of course ok to not work online too or to change your mind if things change in a week or too. And that when this has all passed, which it will, we will work together again.

It occurred to me today that, as we are all in this together, I would share my experiences and learning around online working more widely. This may be supportive for everyone, but it is mainly for my clients – current ones and new ones. I hope this will be helpful.

So here are some thoughts that are emerging for me around my experience of offering online therapy:

Online therapy just it isn’t for everyone. Not all clients, and not all therapists, want to work online especially on webcam/video. You may not want to be seen or to see yourself on screen – I know that I didn’t when I first started, but I did get used to it and now it feels fairly normal (if normal exists in these crazy-making times). If you live in a house share or a small flat, you may not have a safe and confidential space. I have worked with clients who were sitting in their cars as it was the only space available to them. You may not be confident using technology. You may just really want to work face-to-face and feel like online therapy is second rate. There are many reasons you might not want to work online; I really get that. But these days we bank online, shop online, date online, read our newspapers online, now more than ever we have to work online… why not try doing therapy online too?

Yes, it is different – there is less body language to read, and fewer personal cues and you may feel less connected at first. You might find it a bit surreal – as is the whole situation we are facing right now. Webcam is more like face-to-face working than any of the other online options, such as email, instant messenger and voice. But like all new things, with a little time and practice you can get used to it and stop noticing the distance. And after all, at the moment it is all we’ve got.

If you do decide to work online as a client there are a few things to consider:

Space – make sure you have a safe, confidential space where you will not be disturbed, and you may want to use headphones with a microphone to keep the conversation private. The therapist usually sets up their therapy room – I check that I have a bin, tissues and water, but this is different online. As a client you will have to prepare your own room –  make sure you still have tissues and a drink, that you are warm enough, and that the lasagne you just put in the oven is going to be ok for an hour. Therapists may not be able to use their therapy room at the moment and may need to relocate to new spaces, and you may not have any space in your house other than your bedroom so you may also want to check what is on display in the background – your washing up or toothbrush!

The relationship – it may feel odd working online, whether we have worked together for a while or only just started. It can be valuable to talk about how we are both finding the online experience. It’s important to just acknowledge that working online is different, and not seeing each other face-to-face may feel like a loss – that something is missing. It may not feel as real to meet online as it would if you were in person. But again, we can all get used to this with some time and practice.

Now let’s look at technology. Zoom is a popular choice at the moment, it is secure and safe for online therapy. How it works is that I send a link via email so all you do is click on it or cut and paste to your browser a couple of minutes before the session start time. I send out guidelines and details about a plan B if technology fails which given the high demand now is more likely. There are a few options for online therapy, not just webcam if this isn’t for you. If you don’t have a confidential space, then Instant Messenger / chat could be an option, as well as email or voice which is when we speak through Zoom but switch off the webcam. Traditional telephone calls work too of course.

If you would like to try online and you think that you may benefit from some counselling at this stressful time, drop me an email: jules@juleshaleycounselling.com

Jules Haley Counselling

Top Ten Tips for Online Working for therapists

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Due to the Coronavirus many counsellors are, with some reluctance, turning to working online to support their clients though this anxiety-provoking time. Normally I would have recommended doing some online therapy training as it’s a different skill set and has professional, ethical and legal requirements that need to be understood. But many therapists are now facing the dilemma of needing to do something – to offer to work in ways they have never done before and may not be entirely comfortable with, and the wish to continue support clients and keep their practice open.

I qualified in online therapy with Online Counselling Services and Training (OCST), and I am a member of the Association of Counselling and Therapy Online (ACTO), who can provide a list of online therapists if you do need to refer clients at the moment. Online Events has more information and training on working online.

Below is a list of Top Ten Tips, considerations and practical suggestions for online working. It is not comprehensive, but it will hopefully provide a little support for anyone just starting out with online working.

  1. Check with your insurance that you are covered to offer online working.
  2. There is lots of new guidance currently being produced about online working including BACP guidelines for online working.
  3. Ensure that you have online security in place and register with the ICO.
  4. Online working includes webcam but also voice/phone, Instant messenger (IM) and email. Check with clients if they are comfortable with working online. Not all clients can or will want to. For clients who cannot find a confidential space to do webcam work, I am offering chat / IM or a combination of webcam and IM. I am currently offering weekly 15-minute calls to check in, connect and support with those clients.
  5. Clients may feel more or less connected to you online than face-to-face. Be aware of disinhibition, where they share more online than they would feel comfortable in person.
  6. You may need to amend your counselling agreement to reflect online working and recontract with your client.
  7. Therapists are usually responsible for setting up their room, but this has now changed. I sit in my usual chair in my counselling room and so my laptop is opposite me in a space that the client would normally occupy in person. Clients have said that they feel comforted by this – seeing me in my room, and this familiarity helps to ground them and feel more comfortable with this new way of working. Clients also invite you into their space so there is something about acknowledging this and the feeling of equality in this. I learn a bit more about my client’s physical world too.
  8. I send guidelines on online therapy to clients before we meet so they can prepare for their session. It includes information about the online platform we will be using usually Zoom, how to access it, what happens if technology fails, and outlining a plan B. I also suggest that clients turn on their pc / laptop at least 15 mins before the session so any updates that need to run won’t delay the session. I also suggest they make sure their space is private, to ensure it is confidential, they have a drink, headphones if required, are warm enough and have their diary to hand. Some clients use their cars if their home is not suitable for a private conversation. Some clients may use a mobile so I request that they have it landscape as it means I can see them better. I do not use Skype or WhatsApp as these are usually used with friends and family and therefore can feel less professional and boundaried for therapy. Mainly I use Zoom and Vsee because they are safer and have better security.
  9. There may be misunderstandings in online therapy due to the lack of personal cues. I usually rely on my felt sense in face-to-face work so online I tend to ask more questions to clarify my understanding. I also try to communicate more than I would in person, my experience of the session as it evolves.
  10. Practice, and practice some more with peers if you have not worked online before. Clients deserve to feel held and well supported and if we are struggling with technology this can be stressful for everyone. Having a plan B if technology fails, which at times of high demand is likely, can help you to remain calm and feel in control.

If anyone has any questions about the move to online therapy, please drop me an email jules@juleshaleycounselling.com

 

Jules Haley Counselling

New series of Dining Room Dialogues 2019/20

Dining Room Dialogues, Autumn 2019

‘Dining Room Dialogues’ is a monthly, themed, peer-based group interactive discussion for qualified therapists and trainees or people who work in the health, education and social care professions who have an interest in the Person-Centred Approach. At each discussion a group of 7/8 people meet around a dining room table, with the opportunity to learn together by each bringing our knowledge and experiences.

Each discussion is facilitated by Rachel Yates and Jules Haley. Rachel is a qualified counsellor and mental health trainer with over twenty years of experience of working with alternative “models of madness” (Read & Dillon, 2013) and the person-centred approach to mental distress. Jules is a qualified therapist who has personal and professional experience within a drug and alcohol wellbeing service, supporting people’s recovery journey, and facilitating recovery groups.

The Autumn set of Dining Room Dialogues will develop new ideas and understanding of ‘Ways of Coping’. You will have an opportunity to learn and raise thoughts, ideas or ask questions. It is totally up to you how much you want to contribute and take away, at your pace and perhaps at times based on what is relevant within the discussion to you. Please be aware that although these groups are a confidential space, they are not an alternative to supervision and/or therapy.

The ‘Dining Room Dialogues’ are held in Walthamstow, East London, E17. Each session starts at 11am and we will finish at 3.30pm. A homemade vegetarian lunch, snacks and unlimited good coffee and herbal teas is provided. Please let us know if you have any specific dietary requirements.

Cost is £40 per person/ per discussion group (this includes lunch, summary content notes after the day, and a certificate for CPD). Payment is by BACS in advance. If you would like a place please email:  jules@juleshaleycounselling.com. A list of relevant and interesting reading such as books, articles or videos will be provided before each session for you to look at before the discussion, although it is not an issue if you do not get to it before the session.

Dates and themes:

‘Ways of Coping’ – November 2019 to February 2020.

  • Self-Injury – Sunday 3 November 2019
    • We will be talking about why people harm themselves, and the links between self-injury and suicide. Our own attitude towards self-injury. The impact on people’s lives and the people around them, and ways to support people including referral options.
  • Relationship with Food – Sunday 1 December 2019
    • Looking at the difference between problem eating and an eating ‘disorder’. Why people may develop eating ‘disorders’. The health impacts. Our own relationship with food. How we can safely support people who use food as a way of coping.
  • Selfcare or selfish? – Sunday 12 January 2020
    • We will be looking at what the concept of self-care means to us and the people we work with and its importance. Self-soothing and the nervous system. Looking at ways in which we may look after our whole wellbeing – physical and mental, and the concept of developing a spiritual discipline (Thorne, 2003).
  • Drugs and Alcohol – Sunday 2 February 2020
    • We will be thinking about and discussing why and how people use alcohol and drugs, the concept of ‘addiction’, the effects on them, families and the people around them. Ways to support people who are using alcohol and drugs as a way of coping and referral routes. Ethics of working with people currently using or under the influence.

Jules Haley Counselling

Dining Room Dialogues

Dining Room Dialogues – a discussion group for therapists and trainees.

‘Exploring Madness’ runs from February to April 2019. Each session starts at 11am, finishing at 3.30pm on a Sunday.

Next discussion is on Paranoia and Unusual Beliefs – Sunday 3 February

  • We will be thinking about and discussing why and how people feel paranoid and hold unusual beliefs. Ways to support and work with unusual beliefs. Rachel will draw from her experiences of 8+ years running a community peer-led Unusual Beliefs group.

More about ‘Dining Room Dialogues’
They are a monthly, themed, peer-based group discussion for qualified therapists and trainees or people who work in a caring/supportive profession i.e social worker, teacher, support worker and who have an interest in the Person-Centred Approach and a belief in a more trauma-informed and non-medicalised approach to mental health and mental distress. It will be a small group of 7/8 people sat around a dining room table, with the opportunity to learn together by each bringing our knowledge and experiences.

Each discussion will be facilitated by Rachel Yates and me. Rachel is a qualified counsellor and mental health trainer with over twenty years of experience of working with alternative “models of madness” (Read & Dillon, 2013). Her career has been at St Mungo’s, a homelessness organisation, within a client-facing role where she led and delivered psychologically informed and trauma-responsive environments based on the person-centred approach to mental distress. I am a qualified therapist with lived experience of mental health issues, including the good, bad and ugly ways of coping.

We will develop new ideas and ways of understanding through our discussion together about specific issues, starting with ‘madness’ over a set of three Sundays followed by a set on gender and identity. You will have an opportunity to learn and raise thoughts, ideas or ask those questions that you may have just keep to yourself over the years. It is totally up to you how much you want to contribute and take away, at your pace and perhaps at times based on what is relevant within the discussion to you.

(Please be aware that although these groups are a confidential space, they are not an alternative to supervision and/or therapy.)

Details

Each of the ‘Dining Room Dialogues’ is held in Walthamstow, East London. A homemade vegetarian lunch, as well as unlimited good coffee and herbal teas is provided at the dining room table. Please let us know if you have any dietary requirements. Cost is £25 per person/ per discussion group, payment is by BACS. A certificate will be provided for CPD use. Each discussion is stand alone so you do not have to attend all three in the set.

A list of relevant and interesting reading such as books, articles or videos will be provided before each session for you to look at these before the discussion group meets, although it is not an issue if you do not get to it before the session.

Dates and themes

‘Exploring Madness’ runs from February to April 2019. Each session starts at 11am, finishing at 3.30pm on a Sunday.

  • Paranoia and Unusual Beliefs – Sunday 3 February
    • We will be thinking about and discussing why and how people feel paranoid and hold unusual beliefs. Ways to support and work with unusual beliefs. Rachel will draw from her experiences of 8+ years running a community peer-led Unusual Beliefs group.
  • Hearing Voices – Sunday 3 March
    • We will be talking about what hearing voices is like, think about where the voices may come from, the impact on people’s lives, and ways to support people with this experience.
  • The label of ‘Personality Disorder’ – Sunday 7 April
    • We will be looking at the diagnoses of personality disorder that clients may acquire – the validity, impact and meaning. How we can support someone through exploring the person-centred work of Margaret Warner (Pearce & Sommerbeck, 2013). Client processes at the difficult edge on Difficult Process); looking at the experience of fragile, dissociative and psychotic process. I will drawn on my personal experiences of living with difficult processing styles.

‘Exploring identity’ runs from May to July 2019

  • Non-binary and trans identity – Sunday 5 May
    • We will be thinking about and discussing our understanding and language of gender, trans, non-binary and gender expression. The impact of being gender non-conforming and thinking about ways to support non-binary and trans people.
  • Non-monogamous and ployamorous relationships – Sunday 2 June
    • We will be talking about reasons why people are in these relationships, issues that they may bring to the counselling room, our prejudices and understanding, and thinking about how we support them.
  • Sexuality – Sunday 7 July
    • We will be looking at how the experience of growing up, coming out and living as gay/lesbian/bi in a ‘straight’ world affects people’s mental health, self-esteem and relationships. We will be thinking about how this can bring them into counselling, and the support they may be looking for.

 

Jules Haley Counselling